Friday, April 17, 2009

Love: small word, big feeling

Not even 3 years ago, I thought I'd be happily married. Now I'm here and the fella that once was is no more. (This is actually for the better, so no worries). I thought I'd be one of the many young ladies around me getting engaged, having the bridal shower, doing the bachelorette party, then walking down the aisle to my happily-ever-after.

Now I don't know what the hell I want.

I've been trying this whole "dating" thing. And it's fun for the most part. I've met some cool guys who are good-looking and treat me nicely, but that "thing" is missing. You know, the magical feeling you get whenever you even think about that person. I enjoy my time with these people and I always want to hang out with them again, but it still feels like something is missing. I'm not the romantic-type, either. I gag whenever I hear about couples in love. I've been trying to do that less and less for fear that I'm closing myself off...and maybe I am.

Maybe jaded feelings really can stay with you, even when you're 'over' a serious relationship. That "thing" was definitely present in the relationship I thought I'd end up in. And those feelings haven't returned for anyone else. Is it because they're really not there? Or could it be that I'm choosing to ignore those feelings for fear of what happened the last time?

I'd like to think it's a combination of both, but honestly I think it's because I'm trying so hard to not allow myself to feel those fuzzy feelings again. I feel like I'm too busy and important to be burdened by falling in love, even if it were staring me in the face. And by ignoring my feelings toward someone, I could be pushing away the chance of a lifetime. I was so afraid to take a step forward into dating when a great friend told me, "yes, it's scary. But you just might end up being happy."

When put that way, I think we can all allow ourselves to be happy. That doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship to be happy, of course. But if being in a healthy, loving relationship brings us happiness, then why would we even consider walking away just to be a little bit selfish? Instead of thinking twice before making a decision, maybe I should see how I feel in my heart first. More than likely, the answer will be pretty obvious. Maybe even Love.


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